Confronting Pregnancy and Motherhood Fears | Ashley's Journal Entry #8

On October 1st, 2023, I took a pregnancy test and discovered that my life would change forever. God had started the process of knitting together new life in my womb! I was ecstatic! My husband and I had fervently prayed for this blessing, and now we were stepping into a new chapter, graciously opened by God.

Soon after finding out I was expecting, nausea and fatigue set in. The first three months of my pregnancy felt like a blur. I limped through my life, trying to scrape by with only a fraction of my usual capacity. Childhood struggles with emetophobia (a specific phobia that involves an extreme fear of vomiting, seeing vomit, watching other people vomit, or feeling sick) resurfaced. Constant nausea not only affected me physically but mentally too. I woke up in the morning with dread for the day and fell asleep at night with worry for the future (more to come on this subject in an upcoming YouTube video on how my first trimester went). 

As the clouds began to lift, I started to finally process the fact that I would soon be carrying my baby in my arms. With this came waves of fear and anxiety; dark thoughts started spinning around my head. I especially struggled to confront the reality that my baby will be born into a broken world with the weight of sin already weighing them down. This brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart, and I know this is just a small taste of the motherly pain I will feel in the depths of my heart for the rest of my life.

A mother recently was giving me advice about birth. She said something that stood out to me: “I think the consequence of the fall doesn’t just include pain in childbirth, but the constant toil of raising the child too.” This is a hard pill to swallow for any mother (or soon-to-be-mother) soldering though the challenges of parenting in a broken world.

As you can see, my mind quickly turns to fear over faith. This is a weakness of mine, I know. I am a glass-half-empty person naturally. This is one reason why I pray; to redirect my gaze to my mighty God who is far bigger than my thoughts who like wimpy “giants” taunt me and try to steal my joy. My God is my Light in the darkness (John 1:9). He promised me that His Light will overcome (John 1:5), and I trust Him with all my heart.

In light of all this, here is my prayer as a first-time pregnant mom:

Lord,

My whole world will be changing very soon. As I think about it, tears come to my eyes. You are giving me the opportunity to be a mom! I think up to this point, I have been fearful about this new idea of becoming a mom. All the “what ifs?” have been clouding my thoughts. I understand that I live in a world full of sin and brokenness. This is reality. I can’t change that for my baby. But rather than focusing on the darkness, I need to focus on the joys, the blessings, and the beauty that is here amidst the brokenness. I want to be a positive person - seeing the glass as half full. I want to be a woman full of faith in my faithful God. I get the opportunity to raise a child and introduce them to the love of Christ and to the beauty of this wonderful world. That is so exciting!

Lord, thank you for the many JOYS of my childhood:

• My home

• My parents and siblings

• My church 

• My neighborhood

• The changing seasons

• Family vacations

• Music

• My mom driving us and bringing us to run errands with her

• The library

• VCRs, DVDs, CDs

• Barnes & Noble with grandma

• Special days with mom and dad

• My mom always being at the front door when we got off the school bus

• Holding my dad’s hand as we walked into church

• Riding on the school bus with my brother

• Cartoons

• Pool days

• Sandbox

• Mom reading us books at night

• Easter

• Watching mom make coffee in the mornings

Lord, the list could go on and on of the blessings you gave me as a child. It makes me realize that there is beauty within brokenness. There are roses among thorns. There is light piercing through the darkness. It gives me hope that my child will experience your light and love too.

Help me, Lord, focus on you and your faithfulness. Help fill me with faith. Help me be positive more than negative. Help me always look for your light shining in the darkness. Help me be a mother that points my children to you. Lord, I trust you. Even though this world can be dark, ugly, and awful, I trust what you have already spoken: “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). In you alone I have peace because you have overcome the world; help me to take heart.

Love,

Ashley

I am so thankful to God for this baby He has given me. I hope you don't think that I am ungrateful for becoming a mother - I am simply and honestly sharing with you my fears of stepping into a brand new season. It is very normal to hold both gratitude and fear in the same hand - and that is exactly where I am at.

I trust in my God who is so incredibly equipped and faithful to take care of me and my family. I hope you too will put your trust in God as you walk through seasons of fear and discomfort. You are not alone.

If this blog about confronting pregnancy and motherhood fears encouraged you, feel free to email me at ashley.armijo@coffeeandbibletime.com to connect with me personally.

Blessings and love,

Ashley