Ashley:
Today we are continuing the series, and actually closing up the series, called, “Biblical Perspectives on Raw Topics with Mentor Mama.” Before we get into today's blog, I want to let you guys know that we have a new Bible study course on coffeeandbibletime.com. It's a Bible study on John 13 through 17, all about union with Christ, what it looks like to abide in Christ and why that should transform us as believers today, and just connect us to the Lord in a personal and deep and relational way. So, go check out that Bible study, we will link it here. So, Mentor Mama, the first question I'm going to ask you today is what has been your personal experience with accepting your body or maybe not accepting your body, the body that God has given you from the time you were little up until now?
Mentor Mama:
Well, I was really giving this a lot of thought and I can actually remember the first time that I feel like I experienced some type of body image issue, and I actually was already doing the comparison game. I was probably grade-school age, and I can remember that there were other girls in my neighborhood that wore halter tops, and I remember their stomachs, even to this day, were like pancake flat, and mind you, it wasn't like I was overweight, but I definitely didn't have their type of a body-build, and it made me wonder why didn't mine look like theirs and I know that is the very first time that I started to wonder. I remember actually feeling sad about it as a kid, like, hey, what's wrong with me and my stomach? But then, in high school, I guess the one thing I struggled with in high school was acne and, oh, that was no fun going through that stage. I got through it, but I can remember actually going to one high school dance and thinking, do I have enough makeup on to cover up all this stuff? So again, another distorted view of body image.
Ashley:
Also, I'm making a face because I struggle with acne.
Mentor Mama:
Then getting into my college years, as I talked about previously, that's when I experienced my eating disorder and I think it all started during that timeframe of attending college. Eating all kinds of crazy dorm food, I could just have unlimited quantities and eat whatever I wanted and I kind of went a little crazy, but I also had what's called cognitive distortions during that time. So as I mentioned earlier, one of them was like the comparison game. I'm comparing myself to someone else and I shouldn't be, another one of these distortions is rigidity and I had very rigid thoughts in my mind, like what you can do, what you can't do, I can't eat this dessert because X, Y, Z, I have to get straight A's because X, Y, Z, and these very rigid rules helped contribute to this negative cycle of starting to feel bad about yourself. And then once you feel bad about yourself, that leads to giving you a bad mood, and then after you've had the bad mood, it triggers more negative thoughts and criticism of yourself, and then that can also fuel anxiety and depression. It was really more toward my adult years that I started to begin to change my mental perspective and I became a believer probably when I was in my thirties, and I remember learning at that time that my true identity comes from being in Christ, and I specifically remember doing a Bible study on Proverbs 31, and specifically, verse 30, even back then I wasn't approaching my aging years, but this verse has just stuck out to me and continues to encourage me and it's verse 30, which says, “charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” And it was this understanding of seeing how God sees me that completely and entirely changed my way of thinking.
Ashley:
Wow!
Mentor Mama:
The second thing that really began to change in my adult years was that within the last five years, I had been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, as you well know, and it was through that process of being very intentional about trying to eat highly nutritious foods, becoming more educated on what they are, and how they can fuel your body, getting plenty of sleep and appropriate exercise. All of those things, I think have started to help change my perspective.
Ashley:
Mentor Mama, if you can be honest with us, what specific areas of your body do you struggle to accept? You already told us a little about your stomach area.
Mentor Mama:
Yeah, definitely it's kind of like my whole center section. I know Taylor always jokes about her muffin top well, I've got a muffin and top and then my side saddles.
Ashley:
She calls it side saddles and muffin top, in which the side saddles go out a little bit. You're curvy, that's nice.
Mentor Mama:
But, it's a weird lump.
Ashley:
No, it's a different kind of curve that you need to learn to accept.
Mentor Mama:
Yes. How about you?
Ashley:
I'll just go back and share a little bit, but since my childhood, I can remember, and we actually did this in counseling, so I would suggest to you if you're watching this right now, too, is to go back in your mind, in your memories, to figure out every moment since you were the youngest you can remember in your childhood, of moments of body image issues, or, like you said, moments where you recognized your body and you had shame with it, or you didn't accept it. I've done that. I've kind of dug through my past to see what has come up and I've had a lot of the same problems and I did competitive cheer and I had a lot of memories tied to that because we wore those outfits where it was just up here and then a little mini skirt, so I felt the same thing about my stomach because I could compare my stomach to other peoples, but one of my closest friends was stick-skinny. She could eat whatever she wanted, and wouldn't gain a pound. I remember back then, it didn't really phase me as much, but then as we got older, I remember one time her pointing out, oh, that girl over there is so fat, and in my head, I thought, I'm bigger than her. It hit me so hard because I was like, she thinks she's fat, so what am I over here? And, you know, it could have been, for me, body dysmorphia because I bet, I wasn't bigger than that person. But to me I thought I was, so I struggled with body dysmorphia, binge eating disorder, struggling with learning how to accept my body the way it is. And now that I'm eating disorder free, I still struggle with a lot of food anxiety and disordered eating so, it's a constant battle. And I would say a lot of that food anxiety is due to body image issues and struggling with accepting my body so, I think, for me, what is hardest to accept is the fact that I have a tummy and I think a lot of women do obviously because we're meant to carry children and everybody's different, but it's just hard when society has portrayed for such a long time, the Victoria Secret models that have no fat, and you see the models everywhere, and it's just hard. I'm not saying that body's wrong or bad. I think that body is beautiful. But when society only shows one body type, then it makes you have this idea in your head that every other body type is not valued.
Mentor Mama:
Although I will say, I feel that advertisers now are becoming much better than they did in my day, at recognizing different body types.
Ashley:
Oh, yes, I'm talking about when I was growing up.
Mentor Mama:
It's nice to see that that's changing and that more body types are considered acceptable.
Ashley:
Yes. Have you felt like you found the balance between eating healthy, taking care of your body, and exercising versus accepting your body the way it is? For example, I know for me, I can struggle with, oh, I'm just going to eat healthily and exercise so that I can be skinny rather than, I'm going to eat healthily and exercise so that I can take care of my body and then there's the other side of the pendulum where I can be like, oh, well I'm going to accept the body that God has given me so I don’t have to exercise. I can eat what I want, because this is the body God has given me and it's almost like, it's like either one side of this is the body's God’s given me, I'm not going to exercise, eat healthily, whatever, the other side is, I need to be this really skinny, ideal person, so I'm going to eat super healthy, XYZ.
Mentor Mama:
Yeah, I would venture to say that all of us are somewhere within that spectrum. I would say that I'm really a work in progress and that means I'm somewhere in between being this ultra-healthy person to accepting my body just the way it is. And, even over time, I've slid back and forth on that scale. What I can tell you is that I do feel more confident. I do feel more secure knowing that I'm trying to eat highly nutritious foods and that I'm trying to exercise. I think one thing that really helps is even watching videos and learning. There's so much you can be educated on without being a nutritionist. There are so many things that you can watch and learn. So, I think if you can think of those types of things as avenues to being the healthiest version of yourself, rather than the pressure of using those things to make you the perfect-looking model, I think that you'll be much better off.
Ashley:
You're so right and I think that it has to come back to every day looking at what are the intentions of your heart. Are the intentions of your heart, oh, I want to be skinny, I want to be this certain body image so I'm going to eat these foods, or I'm going to exercise this much. Because it can be so easy to, kind of, unconsciously go through that cycle of I'm going to do this to be healthy, to be skinny, and then your motivations are wrong. So you have to go back to the beginning and say, Lord, I repent of my wrong motivations. I repent of my idol of skinny-ness or control or whatever it may be, or this ideal body, I repent. I'm not accepting myself the way you've made me, and Lord help me to eat healthily, exercise, get good amounts of sleep, and have good relationships for the purpose of taking care of the body that you've given me.
Mentor Mama:
And it's a temple of the Holy Spirit.
Ashley:
Exactly. So, another question for you is as you have been aging, what new struggles have been coming with body image?
Mentor Mama:
Oh, my goodness. Yeah, the aging process isn’t necessarily fun to be watching yourself, kind of, deteriorate before your eyes.
Ashley:
Oh, gosh, that’s a scary way to put it.
Mentor Mama:
I know. Honestly, I think of, you know, wearing shorts and seeing my varicose veins or having flabby underarms, certainly wrinkles and gray hair, which you know…
Ashley:
For you has been the hardest.
Mentor Mama:
It's only been for five months that I've been growing out this natural hair color of mine, but I'm not going to lie because it definitely makes me look older, but I've just decided to embrace it. And I think it's fine if you do (color your hair), clearly, I have for years, but now I'm actually kind of excited about just being me and accepting it, and really you and Taylor have influenced me a lot in making that decision.
Ashley:
The whole world is trying to force you to be young. All the advertisements, all the beauty creams, and serums, all actresses and models who are 60 years old right now and using Botox, and doing all these things. The world is shoving down your throat that you need to forever look young, and so that's what the world is telling us. But like you said, charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. I'm proud of you. For you, it has not been easy. It was really hard to let go of coloring your hair, but you jumped right into it and that's just how you felt that you wanted to go. Before we close out, I wanted to read you guys something from this book, which is really random, because this book is, "The Marriage Builder,” but this was really convicting to me and he's talking to couples, but if you're single that's okay. Please listen because I think it might be convicting to you. “In our society, a person's value is typically measured in terms of earning power, the prestige of occupation, the location, cost, size and furnishings of a home, social circles, poise, and graciousness, physical attractiveness, cars, gadgets, the style, brand name, and cost of clothing, place of education and degrees, athletic talent, musical ability. In a religious context, ministry abilities in the church, (singing, teaching a class, leadership positions, committee involvement, et cetera), are additional standards of measurement. Too many couples have unwittingly bought Satan's lie.” And I could replace that as too many people have unwittingly bought Satan's lie. “The “beautiful people” who have been blessed with money, good looks, and talent may experience a counterfeit sense of worth that provides some satisfaction of their needs because the pain of their unmet needs is dulled, and they may never enter into the difficult struggle of finding real security and significance,” (meaning real security and significance in Christ). “Their lies may appear happy, vital, and trouble-free—no morbid wrestling matches with their deep inner conflict. Whenever discomfort reaches the threshold of awareness, these people anesthetize it with more activities, purchases, trips, or whatever else they enjoy. I wonder how many Christians with comfortable means and interesting lives come together at the deepest (he's talking about couples) come together at the deepest level of their personalities, but bury their inward longings for love and purpose under a mountain of success instead. How sad! How empty! Better to struggle with substance than to comfortably accept a shadow.” So I think at the end of the day, our bodies are a shadow. Our bodies are given to us by God and they are good, and our bodies will be resurrected one day and be made new, but for this moment, our bodies are a fleeting shadow and we can't hold onto our looks and we can't make that our idol and our everything. Because we are wrinkling, we are getting old, we are disappearing, we're aging. We can't make our bodies our ultimate idol and hope. I think that's what was convicting for me.
Mentor Mama:
Yes, that's a dangerous place to be.
Ashley:
To find your security, that’s what he's saying, your security and your significance in your body, or in your clothes, or your achievements, or your successes, it doesn't even have to be your body, but it's just a dangerous place to be.
Mentor Mama:
Yes, and I feel like that's something that's part of the maturing process, and maybe not even until you start to get older and start to see things deteriorate.
Ashley:
Exactly, and that's what he's saying, is that you can rely on that for so long in your life that you don't even realize that you're putting your security and significance in that, and then once that starts fading away, you're like, oh, I was putting something in that, that I shouldn't have been. So, quickly to close out the show today, I'm going to ask you one more question. What would you suggest to men and women who are struggling with their bodies?
Mentor Mama:
Well, I'd like to just start by saying, if you're in a really bad spot, there are a lot of great counselors out there that can help you, specifically, with these types of issues, and I would highly recommend that. In fact, we work with Faithful Counseling, we'll put a link in the notes below, I know I've used them and they're amazing, so definitely counseling if you're in that place. Second, I would suggest being open with a confidant, whether that's a family member or a good friend, but I think it's important to talk about these things and get other people's perspectives because sometimes you can't see yourself or you've distorted things so much, and so, I think getting an outside perspective, talking to other people, is really, really important. I also think, as I already mentioned, just nutritious foods and sleep and exercise, those things are really helpful. And then lastly, not that it's the least significant, because it's so important, but praying and staying in God's Word on a daily basis helps tremendously because you can ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you, and that's a prayer request that you could make. I know, for dad, I try to ask that prayer, help me to see him as you see him, God. And so, for ourselves, I would say, when you're staying in God's Word and it seems like you're always going to be running into something that talks about our value and our worth to God, and it's kind of like David when man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.
Ashley:
Yes, amen. Well, thank you so much, Mentor Mama, for doing this whole series with us. We're so thankful and I know so many women out there are just beyond thankful for you.
Mentor Mama:
It's been a lot of fun. It's been very vulnerable, but, I'm really glad that we did it.
Ashley it:
Me too! I hope you guys enjoyed it! Share with a friend.
Comments