Mentor Mama:
Today we are going to be talking about finding, keeping, and loving our friends. You know, as we get older and life gets busier, we find ourselves spending less time in the company of good friends, and organic friendships become nearly impossible with all of our obligations constantly pulling us in different directions. Our guest today, Bailey Hurley, author of the book, "Together Is a Beautiful Place," will be helping us learn why women find it so challenging to make and maintain genuine friendships and how to overcome those challenges. I am just so excited about this topic.
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Mentor Mama:
Bailey T. Hurley is everyone's favorite community cheerleader. She encourages women to pursue a faithful relationship with God so they can build fruitful friendships in their corner of the world. She has written on the topic of friendship and faith for publications such as, She Reads Truth, Salvation Army's Peer Magazine, and Grit and Virtue. She also loves podcasts! You can find her chatting all about friendship on dozens of podcasts frequently. Please welcome Bailey.
Bailey Hurley:
Thank you. I'm excited to be spending time with your community.
Mentor Mama:
I am just so delighted, Bailey, that we learned about your book because this topic is just so sensitive and so needed, I think even more so, coming out of COVID—it's finding and maintaining friendships can be so hard and, in some cases, painful or challenging. Some people make it look so easy and then in so many cases, and I'll be the first to admit, it's an area I definitely have struggled with throughout my life. So, in your book, “Together Is a Beautiful Place,” what is your hope and why, and who did you write this book for?
Bailey Hurley:
What I have loved about, “Together Is a Beautiful Place,” is that it can meet anyone wherever they are in friendship right now. So, it was written for someone who maybe is a college graduate and they're moving to a new place for the first time and having to make new friends—it's a huge transition. It's a huge moment of saying, okay, how do I do this out of the context of school when I'm working and I have new roommates or no roommates for the first time? It's just a big transition and I think the book speaks to a lot of that. Becoming a mom for the first time, what does it look like when things change in your schedule and the ability to meet friends on the go or just spontaneously becomes a limitation? It's hard! Or maybe it's for someone who has had a tight community for years and years and years, but they're just tired. Maybe they're tired of being the one that always reaches out and they feel like their friends don't reciprocate the same attention and care that they tend to the friendships. Or it's for someone who's just had a really bad friendship breakup and it might be the first one or the fifth one and they are starting to think, I am in an unhealthy pattern, something is not right. Why does this keep happening to me? Or for someone like me, who has had my first few friendship breakups as an adult and you are wondering what is happening? Like, why did this happen? I'm hurting. I have negative shame cycles going through my head, all sorts of things. So this book is truly for someone who feels like they are a friendship expert to someone who is having to navigate friendship for the very first time.
Mentor Mama:
Absolutely, and it truly can cover any age range and I'm even thinking of when your kids are gone and out of the house. You've invested all these years into all their activities and things and then all of a sudden there you are wondering, so definitely all ages and stages here covered in your book. What sets your book apart from other books about friendship and how does the Christian faith specifically call us to pursue authentic friendship?
Bailey Hurley:
One of my goals in writing, “Together Is a Beautiful Place,” is there are definitely beautiful books about friendship out there and especially Christian ones and I think that I felt like there were the same things being repeated, not in a bad way. We have to be reminded multiple times before it can really hit home. But I felt like a lot of it was more entrenched in maybe the theology of friendship. Why is it important? Why would you pursue community or being in community? And at the time of the book coming out, you're right, we were just coming out of COVID and being maybe more isolated or keeping safe in our homes, and so, my goal was to create a book that was less focused on why you need friendship because I think everyone realized, I really need friends. I really need my community. But more of, how am I going to receive these things that I feel like Scripture is telling me about friendship, not just that, it’s important to bear each other's burdens. It's important to celebrate. It's important to spend time together, but how are you actually making it a priority to go out and do that? I joke sometimes that I wanted the book to feel like Pinterest in a way like you come to Pinterest for inspiration, you take what you want from the different photos and then you go and you try the barbecue party, or you try the DIY craft for something, or all those different things that come from Pinterest and I wanted the friendship book to feel like that. You're coming to get what you need, take the bits and pieces that make sense for you and your season, but then I wanted women to be able to go out and immediately try and put into practice the things that they were learning, versus being like, okay, well, I'm glad I read this book about why friendship is important to me— I know that—I want to be able to do it. And so, I feel like the book is very much focused on doing versus maybe sitting in the being part and I think my hope was that women who are picking up the book are already doing the being part and the heart work. Your second question was a little bit about maybe more of how our faith applies to pursuing friendship and being a good friend. And I think it always comes back to the idea that you have to know who you are in the Lord to be a good friend and be in healthy friendships. Otherwise, you're going to be coming to a community just almost thirsty and needy for them to provide everything you're needing and you're just always going to be disappointed because people are not going to do that because I think in community, you will realize more often than not, that it is a lot more about, how would I say, maybe like forgiveness, like, I'm so sorry I'm not going to meet all your needs. I'm so sorry I'm going to disappoint you. I'm so sorry I won't meet your expectations every moment of every day because I can't read your mind and I don't know where your heart is and we're all imperfect and failing and having moods on different days and all the above. And that is where our relationship with the Lord comes in and it is so important to tend to that first friendship. One of my favorite quotes is from Henry Nouwen, and he writes in his book called, “Community,” that friendship is not neediness calling to neediness, meaning like, I'm so lonely, you're so lonely, let's build a friendship, that doesn't make any sense. That's not a good place to start, but community and friendship are really saying, I am loved by God, you are loved by God, let's build a home together and that solitude grabbing onto solitude versus loneliness grabbing onto loneliness, that is where friendship can really take off and be fruitful and life-giving and wonderful. So, it comes down to, do you know that you're loved by God? And I think walking into friendship with that narrative playing in your mind will set you on a course for all the ups and downs of what friendship really looks like.
Mentor Mama:
Absolutely, and it sort of gives you a sense of freedom. Like when you are coming into a relationship, we all have this hole in our hearts that only God can fill and if we let God do that part and we don't put that burden on our friends that sort of frees us up to really invest in the friendship in other ways that aren't like you described very needy. I think of the same way, I remember early on, even with my husband thinking, oh, he's going to fulfill all of my needs and wants and desires, and it's the same thing. Only God can fill that hole in your heart first. I love the approach that you take to giving really practical advice because as you said, there are so many great books on why we need friends, but a lot of us just need some tips. Give me some tips because we're struggling here, so just give me a few tips. I love your Pinterest tip idea. Speaking from your experience as a coach, why do women often find it so challenging to make and maintain long-lasting, genuine friendships into adulthood and how does your book aim to help women overcome these challenges?
Bailey Hurley:
Yes, just off the top of my head, because I think there are a few things, but I think of two that are really important. The first one is prioritizing friendship because you'll always prioritize what's important to you. We're all busy but if you want to get your workout in, you're going to find time to make it work. You're going to ask your husband to watch the kids. You're going to wake up early before you go to work or you're going to stay up late to make sure you get in that gym class or maybe it's a hobby or work itself, making time for that. So, if you truly, truly want to be a friend and you want deep friendships—prioritize them. I always say, find the time, keep the time, and then make it sacred. Make sure that friendship is something that you're really carving out space for because time is very important to building those relationships and that trust to get to the good stuff. But here's the other thing, and I know it sounds silly because the topic of vulnerability has been around for many, many years. We know it's important, but it is I think growing those deeper friendships, you know, the maintaining portion of a friendship is being vulnerable. There are some studies done at the University of Kansas and of course, oh, I know this man's name and it is escaping me today, but he researched how many hours it takes to make a friend and what makes a friendship really deep? And he noted that it isn't just about spending time together, but it is about sharing the meaningful things when you are together. I love this analogy because it really helps me think about this in a clear sense, because you might have a cousin and let's say you've known them your whole life, obviously family, and you've spent holidays together, you shared childhood birthdays together, you maybe have a lot of built-in time together or perhaps, a coworker, someone you work with 40 hours a week. If something is going wrong in your life or you're having a tough time with something or a faith crisis or question, you're probably not going to call your cousin and you're not going to call your coworker. So it's not just about the shared time, but it's about sharing the meaningful things with the time you have. So that's why you can have a friend that maybe you met three months ago, who feels closer to you than a friendship you've had for 20 years. It's just because you chose to share meaningful things with that person. So, it comes twofold making those friends, it's like, yes, I got to prioritize the time. I got to put in the investment in the friendship bank. But then the second piece is okay, so you're busy, well then make that time really meaningful, ask the deeper hard questions to get to the meat of things so that when you do find those pockets of time to build a friendship, maintaining it, you aren't wasting it away with those surface level things and instead really valuing, and I guess you could say, putting priority again, on I want to really ask the tough questions because I want to know this person and I want them to know me. I really like the book by Paul David Tripp, “Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands.” One of the beautiful things he talked about in being an instrument in your friend's lives, is that to love people, you have to truly know them. If you don't know what's going on with them, you can't love them even if you think you are close friends. It really comes down to knowing them just like the Lord knows you. His love is perfect and it is the best because it is so intimate and there's nothing hidden from him about you and in a small fragment shadow of a way our friendship should really reflect that kind of love and that means being known, being seen, and then making the time to know and see the person you're sitting across from.
Mentor Mama:
Absolutely. I love what you said about prioritizing friendships because it's about being intentional. They are not necessarily going to come to you and if someone always is just coming to you, then they're probably going to get a little burned out, but I think it's a great investment and one tip that I've had even with some friends that have moved away, but I wanted to maintain the friendships is just say, okay, we're going to meet once every fall or once every spring, and as you said, we set the time and people make a commitment to being there and that's kind of our sacred time so that we can maintain the friendships that we once started. I was thinking too, about the vulnerability aspect and it's truly by becoming vulnerable, that the friendship grows deeper and you realize that everybody is broken, that we can receive encouragement and love from one another when we do that, otherwise we're just hiding it and that really is no help.
Mentor Mama:
Well, I'd like to talk about some of the lies or false expectations that women often have about friendships, and also, one example you have is the necessity of having one best friend. Tell us about that.
Bailey Hurley:
You know, I think I'm just going to go back to blaming television and just assuming that everyone is friends all the time and they're always available and there are never moments of loneliness when that is just not true and not everyone has to be your best friend. So, I think expectations that can really hurt people are assuming that they need to have more than one friend that, you know, if they only find one good friend, they're still failing at community or friendship, which is just not true. And I also think there is a boundary cross as well when you assume everyone is your best friend. You can't maintain 20 best friends. And so, I think as time goes on, as women's friendship groups start to dwindle in size, again, I think they hold on to the old ways of maybe friendship in second grade or fifth grade or even college and they just assume; I am failing, these friends are not good enough, there should be more, I should always be expecting more, when really you have beautiful people in your life, whether it's one or two or five, that are making your life so much sweeter. I think when you can really be content and enjoy and kind of see the goodness that comes from what the Lord has provided in a friend, then all of those different expectations for being surrounded by 20 million friends, can be put to rest and I think to give you a healthier place of approaching friendship in adulthood.
Mentor Mama:
Absolutely, and I think comparison is really what gets us caught in that trap because I remember thinking too, like, what is wrong with me? And you also make generalizations, like, what's wrong with me? Everybody has one best friend or maybe it's the other way, like everybody has 10 friends so what's wrong with me? I don’t. So, it's really important not to compare yourself and I also think too, of Jesus' example where he had many followers, but he had just 12 disciples and then he also had his very close disciple friends so he also is just such a great role model to look up to for friendships.
Bailey Hurley:
Yes!
Mentor Mama:
I want to talk about young moms. What are some specific challenges young mothers encounter when it comes to friendships?
Bailey Hurley:
This comes from my own personal experience, but I believe that there are a lot of assumptions that get built in when you become a mom. For me, it was my friends assuming that man, she has kids now so she's too busy. I probably shouldn't bother her to reach out to do things. It's probably really hard for her. When I was on the other end thinking, I am so lonely, all I want is for my friends to reach out and to send a message or ask to come over and so, I think that there are assumptions about that, and then for the young moms to think, well, no one wants to spend time with me and my baby, we are so boring. If I ask my friends, they're just going to feel guilted into spending time with me. And so, I think there are a lot of things going on in our heads that are not actually true. I think young moms especially need that care and reaching out, reminders, and things like that. So for young moms, I mean, it's so challenging. It's a big shift in having to work your schedule now around someone else's schedule. And I think it's just learning to become flexible. So, I've really had to have talk conversations with my friends, which I think would be my little practical tip or advice for young moms is to have conversations with your friends and either say, hey, I feel like you guys have kind of stopped reaching out and if you just, you know, made plans two days in advance, instead of two hours in advance, I can be there. I can make something work in my schedule to be available. Or just say, hey, keep texting me. I might say no, 70% of the time, but please just keep me in the group text because sometimes I will be able to say yes, and I'd rather be a part of that experience than be a part of none and just be kind of at home lonely. So, I think there are ways that you can express how you're feeling, especially with your friends who might be like, well, she probably doesn't even need us anymore, when, you know, you're just trying to understand your new season and they're trying to navigate how your dynamic with your friendships are when things have changed.
Mentor Mama:
And I think I would just encourage young moms to find other young moms, as well, that maybe you share the same life stage with. I worked for about six years before I became a stay-at-home mom and one of the biggest challenges for me was when I left corporate America, I realized I have no stay-at-home friend moms. It was really lonely and one of the best things that I ever did was at our church, we have a mom's group which stands for, Making Our Mothering Significant, and we did one of two kinds of books together, which was either a book on how to be a godly mom and wife and then also, some type of a Bible study and just doing life together once a week and discussing those things with other moms was just such an encouragement to me. So, I would encourage, if there are any ladies listening, maybe reach out to your local church and see what kind of moms’ groups are available. Let's shift gears for a little bit, what happens when friendships go bad, and can you share some advice with us about how to handle friendship breakups? Ooh, that's making me cringe just thinking about it—it's hard.
Bailey Hurley:
I know, it's so hard but better to be prepared than be surprised when it happens. If you're in the midst of it, I would say, do your absolute best to talk in person or at least a phone call, don't let too much time go by. I always say that silence is a real friendship killer. The more time that goes by where you're not talking about whatever the issue is and just not coming back around to it. There are now multiple narratives built into whatever a small issue was. I have a friend who's so good about bringing anything up when she thinks there's any tension. I appreciate her boldness because she kind of nips in the bud, the ability for things to escalate. And so that's always, I think, a great piece of advice is to just try to communicate as quickly as possible and even after you've communicated and just recognize that you both have now discussed that there is an issue, and if you need time, just like good old fashioned marriage advice, like put a date and time on it, say, you know, we've talked, let's cool down, let's talk again on Thursday at 4:00 PM. You know, we're going to talk at this time. I will call you. And so, there isn't, again, this kind of never-ending vague, well, okay, I guess we'll talk eventually in the future at some point and you never get around to it. I think for those of you who are already at the point of the door has been shut and they won't talk to you or they've said, goodbye, I don't want you in my life anymore. If you're on that side of the friendship breakup, I would say, find a safe person to speak with and ask them to speak truth over the situation. It's so hard to be in our emotions and be in the middle of the conflict, and honestly, just be in a dark place, so I think having a safe friend to say, hey, I'm starting to feel this way about myself again. Or, you know, I'm really struggling with this thing I said, and I can't let it go and it's eating me up inside, I just need you to pray for me. I need to process this. I need to just have someone read Scripture over me because I am just kind of in a bad, bad place and I cannot get out. I feel like friendship breakups often, you know, I feel like the enemy can use them to believe things about ourselves that probably aren't true, but we keep them to ourselves because we're embarrassed about the friendship breakup. We're ashamed about something that we said and so, that's why I'm always saying find a safe person to kind of bring it to light and share with so that as you're going through the ups and downs of like having a good day or saying, I couldn't sleep last night, I was crying because I just can't move past the hurtful thing she said to me, having a person to go, I think is just a great way to kind of heal from that experience as well as opening your Bible and saying, okay, Lord, let me read everything that is true about me so that when I start to think these things that she said about me, I can remind myself that this is really what's true and what's lasting versus the things that maybe she said out of hurt, spite, sin, so many different things.
Mentor Mama:
Bailey, that's such great advice. Just keeping the lines of communication open where you can and communicating what you're feeling, helping them help you understand why it is that they're feeling the way that they are. But those definitely are tough situations to navigate.
Bailey Hurley:
They're so hard and they're so yucky.
Mentor Mama:
For sure! I'd like to talk about one of your tips for share with us, maybe your top tip for having great friends as an adult.
Bailey Hurley:
I think a top tip is to be intentional, to set as many reminders as you need, even reminders to say, text this person that you really liked that book that they recommended or put in birthdays or work anniversaries or doctor's appointments. So, saying, hey, I remember you had a doctor appointment this morning, praying for you, I'll check in later to make sure everything is good. So, again, what does intentionality mean to you and even asking your friends, hey, what would it look like for me to be intentional with our friendship? It's kind of that, love language question again, what makes you feel loved? What makes you feel like I'm being thoughtful with you and our friendship? Yeah, I'm a big believer in reminders! I honestly have to them to do everything. I'm like, remember to do any possible thing you can imagine, even silly things, because I can't remember anything because life is crazy and so taking those steps to be intentional, to remember what someone has going on in their life and then reaching out. I always say, you know that phrase, “showing up,” and think a lot of times people assume that's like physically showing up, which it can be, but I think as adults showing up is the check-ins in their reminders, in the FaceTime calls and the birthday gifts in the mail and a gift card because you know they've had a really bad day. You saw it on Instagram that they are just like, man, everything is going downhill today and you just say, hey, here is $5 for coffee and I just want you to know that, I love you and you got this and I'm here if you want to talk. I think those for adults, that's kind of what showing up looks like, because there are so many things going on, we can't always physically walk over to a friend's dorm and go have lunch in the cafeteria that we all share with the other 100 people. So, finding what works for you, with your limitations, but being thoughtful about it.
Mentor Mama:
Absolutely, being intentional is just so critical and I love your suggestion about finding out their love language because you're going to pack a much more powerful punch when you know their love language is, let's say words of affirmation, well, you don't need to go out and buy a gift for them. Just a really super sweet text message or a card in the mail sharing some words that lift them up can mean so, so much. It really doesn't take that much. What are some healthy, what you refer to as friendship rhythms, that women can start practicing now to invite better friendships into their lives?
Bailey Hurley:
Yeah, I would say let's do something fun! I would say plan something monthly with a group of friends, with another couple, another family, and invite them and say, hey, for three to six months, let's do dinner every first Friday of the month, or let's do a book club, or let's listen to this podcast and let's have like a little podcast conversation. In the book, I talk about podcast pizza parties, because it is very low cost and extremely easy and everyone has access to listen to a podcast and there's no like, read this 300-page book or let's plan this really complicated get-together. But truly you're like, hey, this sounds really interesting, or I just listened to this and I have a lot to process, can we all listen to it? And then let's have pizza and talk about it. And, when we say rhythms, it is doing things over and over and over again. And that is, I think, a beautiful thing about community and friendship is those, kind of, built-in almost like, wow, that was so fun that we did this for three months—let's just keep it going. And you know what? Seasons change, and people's schedules change, so it’s time to think creatively and come up with another idea. I think a lot of times when we hit those roadblocks or it's like, man, now no one's showing up anymore, people can't find a sitter or they're busy again. Instead of throwing your hands up in the air and being like, well, that was fun for a while. I guess it's not going to happen again. Then think of something new, like, okay, now let's do football on Sundays. We're going to do that as our new thing or let's do coffee after school drop-off. That can be our time for a couple of weeks. So, I guess when it comes to creating a rhythm right now, it's interesting because it truly is up to you. You can be creative; you can go back to that Pinterest board. What is it that you love and that gives you life? It doesn't feel like work. It fits into your schedule automatically. But I think that the second tip is then don't get discouraged when it changes, because it will. And so, you don't have to try to fit old patterns into new schedules. You can just, I think stay fresh and tell yourself, okay, time to come up with something new and different. I also mentioned Cake Day in the book, which is something we've done with our community for years, which we would do on the first of every month. So that was very easy to remember and we would invite anyone, neighbors, coworkers, people from church, friends, kids, adults, and we would eat cake that really was it, bring a cake and you would eat it together and it was just an hour or two spent together, but it was that rhythm of like, okay, we know Cake Day is happening at the Hurley house on the first of this month, so let's go. So, for you, if it's a spaghetti dinner or it's a movie night or it's, I don't know, a football game in the park. Something that's like every month, this is kind of what we do. People know where to find us, people know they're invited always and we're going to keep that available and open for our community.
Mentor Mama:
Those are such great suggestions and I think the most powerful thing you said there is just being realistic, and it's okay. Like, not putting pressure on yourself that if you've done this for a while and you need to change things up—that's okay. One of the fun things that we had done, and again, it was kind of a “for a while” experience was, we had this group and we call called ourselves kind of like the gourmet group, but it was really kind of ironic because it wasn't about making a gourmet meal, but it was just fun to call it that. But each one we tailored around a different, ethnic type of food. So, for example, Italian night. And, so it was just fun where everybody just brought a dish to share and it was just a lot of fun, but again, it was just something that was during a certain season and we enjoyed it while it lasted and it was just fun to spend that time together. What are some good ways to navigate friendships across differing life stages?
Bailey Hurley:
Yeah, I think, when we started talking about young moms, we got into the conversation of communicating your expectations, but number one that is exactly what's going to save and, or salvage friendships in different seasons. I'll just say from my experience, I got married really young. I had kids really young, and so for the last seven years, a lot of my friends have been single. Maybe they've just gotten married and I felt like my season had become so drastically different in such a short amount of time. So it was this navigating of, okay, wow, you're a mom with three kids and like I'm single, I'm still single. Like what is happening? And what does that look like for our friendship and how do we relate still and how do we not get the comparison game for both of us? You know, how do we not say man, I wish I felt carefree and have my own schedule and could do whatever I want. Or man, I wish I was married, wish I was starting my family and so I think it comes back to communicating expectations as things change. So, whether it's someone who you loved at your work, but they got a new job, so things are just different. Coming and saying, what does our friendship look like right now? Where would you like to see our friendship grow in the next two years? What does friendship mean to you? I think asking some of these clarifying questions will give you jumping-off points to have more specific conversations about your friendship. So, again, another piece of advice is yes, ask the questions, hey, what does friendship look like for you? Where do you like your friendships to be right now? What would be a great avenue or context for us to continue our friendship? And instead of again, just kind of allowing things to peter out or believing that nature will take its course. It kind of goes back to that, like friendship is not organic anymore, so believing that it will be, or, you know, yeah, we'll find time for each other. You won't. You just won't, so really coming together and having those conversations regularly. It's okay to have check-ins just like annual goals. It's okay to say, okay, this worked well. I feel like I really missed when we did this together. So would you be able to, you know, go on walks again or do you think we could watch our favorite show it's coming back? So, different things like that, but communicate, communicate, communicate, it's the foundation for good healthy relationships.
Mentor Mama:
Yes, you really can't overemphasize that enough. And honestly, I think there's just such value in treasuring relationships with people who are at different stages of life than you are. I know I have some friends that are 10 years older than I am and I treasure them for their wisdom. I have some friends that are young moms and it's fun for me just to remember what it was like to have a baby or a little toddler. So, you could find joy too in celebrating your different stages of life. How about for you personally? How have you seen the concepts that you write about play out in your own life?
Bailey Hurley:
Just recently we've been in a season where we're having to make new community and friends and it's so funny because I feel like I'm now in the seat of my clients when I'm coaching, because I'm the one that's resistant and I'm thinking, I don't want to do the work! I don't want to have to put myself back out there again. I'm just as scared and anxious and you know, I want people to reciprocate and know me for me. So, it's all those things. So I feel like we are in a season of having to do those things. And so, every now and then my husband will even be like, hey, this is kind of what you say works, so let's do it and let's be really consistent with people. Let's kind of, pinpoint five new families that we’d love to get to know better or you know, different people, and let's really make sure we pursue time with them. So I think that those are kind of the biggest principles right now that have been important for me. And, I get tired, I want to cancel plans last minute, I want to back out, I want to make life easier and just stay home. And I never regret spending time with people or making the extra effort to get my family out the door to do something fun and that's kind of where I'm having to sit with my own reminders of, it's worth it. It's good to be together and I also think just bringing those feelings of, oh, I'm just going to be so tired afterward or what if they think I'm weird or what if I don't like them and all the above and just saying Lord, no time spent with other people will be for nothing and who knows what could come from a friendship that isn't expected or new or different than what you thought. So, I think just really trusting the Lord too, with where he has us and the people he’s put in your path. I talk a lot about people who are put in your path. God never makes mistakes. He really doesn't. So, whether it's a new person in your Bible study group, or you have joined a new school and there are new moms to meet, I just don't think there are accidents and God definitely has people waiting for you and he's got people waiting for me too.
Mentor Mama:
He sure does. I concur with that a hundred percent. I think it's important that if you have a fear of rejection, which I know I personally do. I think that was something that was really tripping me up initially, and expanding friendships was just a fear of rejection and I tried to shift my mindset to the Biblical principle of, is your fear of man greater than your fear of God and trusting that, as you said, God has put these people into your life for a reason. Also, thinking head-on like, what's the worst thing that can happen if I invite this person out for coffee and they say, no, I don't want to. It's okay, you'll just move on. So, overcoming the fear of rejection, I would just encourage you to, if you're afraid like that, that's okay. That's very normal, but try to maybe read some Psalms about just recognizing that our fear of God is truly what's much more important than fear of man. In wrapping things up here, Bailey, what is one lesson or message that you really hope will resonate with most of your readers after they've finished the book?
Bailey Hurley:
I hope they feel like they can do it, that all the different fears or insecurities or lies or expectations are kind of put to rest and that they feel like, I can actually do this, I truly believe that the Lord has called me into friendship and I have everything that I need to move forward in that. And so, I think I want women to feel really confident and feel like they have a game plan. I'm a goal planner, but I want women to feel like, I have that, I know my next step and to me, that's everything. So, I feel like they have the next step and also the courage and excitement to go do it.
Mentor Mama:
Absolutely. And I would just encourage anyone who's reading to pick up a copy of Bailey's book, “Together Is a Beautiful Place,” because she has great chapters in here that will give you the practical advice that we've been talking about and that really will build your confidence. Bailey, how can people find out more information about you and your book?
Bailey Hurley:
You can find a lot of friendship resources at baileythurley.com and then if you're interested in the daily conversation, which I really enjoy, I live my business and personal life on Instagram and it's bailey.t.hurley. So that's where we can have kind of that daily conversation.
Mentor Mama:
Wonderful! Before we go, I want to ask you some of our favorite Bible study tool questions. What Bible do you use and which translation is it?
Bailey Hurley:
Yes, I use the ESV Study Bible.
Mentor Mama:
Excellent. I have that one and I love it. Do you have any favorite journaling supplies that you like to use to enhance your Bible study experience?
Bailey Hurley:
Yes, I love The Daily Grace Co’s, Bible highlighters. They do a couple of sales a year and so they will sell them for $5 and I buy 20 sets to pass out to all of my friends. I love these Bible highlighters because if you have ever been underlining in your Bible and use regular highlighters, and pens, they bleed through and it makes me so sad, these ones come in a plethora of colors, so that's number one. So fun to have colors, but they don't bleed through, they're just the best.
Mentor Mama:
Awesome, we will put a link to those in our show notes. Finally, what is your favorite app or website for Bible study tools?
Bailey Hurley:
I really like the, She Reads Truth app. When I'm on the go, that's typically the Bible that I'm pulling up and they have devotional plans right there for you, which is really great. For those of you who love extra study, I do use the Blue Letter Bible and that supplies a wide variety of different tools, whether you're looking at original translations or you're looking for commentary on a specific Bible verse from multiple different theologians, it really has a lot, so that's a great one if you're really looking into word studies, historical contexts, things like that.
Mentor Mama:
That is an awesome website. Bailey, thank you so much for being here today to help us with this important task of getting and maintaining good, healthy friendships.
Bailey Hurley:
Thank you.
Mentor Mama:
And for our readers pick up a copy of Bailey's book, “Together Is a Beautiful Place.” You can find the link here. Also, be sure to share your comments with us on this topic. And lastly, head over to the Coffee and Bible Time website for our prayer journals that will help guide and document your prayer life at coffeeandbibletime.com. We also have two new courses available on how to pray using our prayer journal and prayer binder. Thank you so much for joining us on our blog today. We love you all. Have a blessed day.
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